


Bids it Break

by inlovewithnight



Category: Brothers & Sisters
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-14
Updated: 2007-05-14
Packaged: 2017-10-15 21:46:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/165235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithnight/pseuds/inlovewithnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Post-ep for "Favorite Son"</p>
    </blockquote>





	Bids it Break

**Author's Note:**

> Post-ep for "Favorite Son"

They have to dress him for the funeral in doll's clothes.

Nobody makes baby clothes for such a small preemie, and Tommy won't let him be buried just wrapped in a blanket. It doesn't bother Julia so much; as long as it was a blanket that she placed him in herself, tucking the edges carefully to keep her baby warm, it would be fine. But Tommy can't bear it, so she lets him drive all over LA until he comes back with a tiny shirt and pants and a voice that's hoarse from shouting at salespeople.

Nora is there, but doesn't offer to help, though Julia can see her folding her hands to keep them still, to keep from offering. It's just Nora's way, just who she is, to step in and offer and help and do for you what you're slow or uncertain to do for yourself, but she holds back this time, and Julia is so grateful she could cry, except her eyes are dry and raw and hurt from all the crying she's already done.  
**  
They don't let her hold Elizabeth very often, but she can sit in the NICU every day for a few hours. She can watch her baby, and talk to her, tell her that she has to keep being so strong and brave, because Mommy needs her. It's not fair to lay that weight on a baby, but Julia thinks Elizabeth understands.

She doesn't tell Tommy that, of course; Tommy has been a rock, and she's grateful to him as well, but she knows that if he thinks she's falling apart more than she has already, he won't handle it well. He is who he is and she loves him with all her heart, but she knows him well enough to know what he can and can't be told.

There are other things she can't tell him, like to make his family _stop_ , just stop, just stop _being Walkers_ for a day or two, just long enough for her to catch her breath. They're always there, even when they're not physically present. They're...well, they're part of Tommy. And maybe it's because it took a family effort to make the babies happen, but they seem to claim ownership of a hell of a lot more than half of Julia's children. She sometimes feels like if she doesn't hold on with all her might, if she doesn't shield Elizabeth's tiny form and William's aching memory with her body, the Walkers will take them both away from her.

And that's not fair, and it would sound ungrateful and mean and _crazy_ if she said it out loud, so she doesn't tell Tommy any of it.  
**  
When she was just pregnant, she talked to Sarah a lot, about what it was like, what to expect, how to deal with grandmas and aunts and uncles and feedings and diaper changes and all kinds of things.

Now, Sarah keeps her distance, and while part of Julia knows that that's mostly because she has her own crises to deal with, she pretends it's a kindness anyway.

Kitty and the Senator send fruit baskets, and flowers, and a card saying that a donation has been made to a foundation for premature infant care, in baby William's name. That kind of kindness, slightly distant and abstract, is easier to deal with than hugs and tears. Julia thinks that she'll have to write thank-you notes, once she's home. It's only polite and proper, just like Kitty and Robert have been.

Kevin and Justin show up together, when they come around. Kevin stands in the corner by the window and looks anxious, and Justin rambles, telling stories that Julia can't quite follow, though it doesn't seem to matter. At one point she realizes that he's apologizing, saying maybe if he'd done something different when she went into labor, it wouldn't have happened this way. Kevin tells him to shut up and Julia shakes her head, smiling a little, and explains that Justin doesn't have to be sorry, he didn't do anything.

It was her fault, after all. They were supposed to be safe inside of her; her whole job was to keep them safe until they were ready to be born, and somehow she had failed, and nobody else deserves any blame at all. Of course she's crying, again, by the time she finishes talking, and Justin is wild-eyed and terrified, and Kevin scrambles off to get Tommy while Justin sits there and holds her hand. The nurses end up sedating her again, and she falls asleep, vaguely aware that she's once again let Tommy, and all of his family, down.  
**  
Holly visits once, after Julia's allowed to go home. It's a surprise, but not unwelcome; Julia's gotten to know Holly pretty well, since she went into business with Tommy, and she likes the woman more than any of the Walkers can allow themselves in good conscience.

Holly brings some baby blankets and cloth diapers and such, things that have been packed away for twenty years since Rebecca needed them. They're gifts given in a kind spirit, and Julia accepts them the same way, even though they both probably know that she won't ever use any of them for Elizabeth. It's the thought that counts, and the kindness.

She doesn't know why it's easier to take kindness from Holly than from Tommy's family, but at the moment, it is, and she doesn't have the energy to figure it out.  
**  
Tommy paints the nursery yellow, which was what they'd planned anyway. Saul, Justin, and Kevin all pitch in and help, which means it's done in an afternoon, while Julia is at the hospital with the baby. Nora meets her in the lobby to drive her home, handing her a jacket and a bottle of juice and asking if she needs to get something to eat on the way. Julia pauses at the door and glances at her.

“Nora?”

“Yes, dear?”

“You never ask me if I'm all right.”

Nora blinks for a moment, frowning. “Well, that would be a very stupid question, wouldn't it? Of course you're not all right.”

“That doesn't stop anybody else.”

“Julia, I've been trying for years to make them stop asking stupid questions, but I'm afraid I haven't had any luck yet.”

She has to laugh at that, and Nora smiles as she helps her into the car, and Julia closes her eyes and reminds herself that even though this family is crazy and tight-knit enough to choke, there's plenty of love to go around. And even though it hurts like hell, she still loves them, too.  



End file.
